An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
