woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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