im about as happy as oj after his trial
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
