She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
