the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
