thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
