I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
