I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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