mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What a dumb baby whore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
