I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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