please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
