He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
