I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
