Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize