M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
