Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
