Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
