White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize