So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
