How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
