Your mouth is God's brothel.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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