I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
