Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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