I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
