When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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