My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found the puke drawer
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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