I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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