i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
