Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
