I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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