My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
