I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
