I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
