I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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