it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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