I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
