life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize