My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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