Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize