My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
