Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
