fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We just shotgunned beers for America
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
