my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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