I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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