We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
