So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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