my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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