My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
