Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
