I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
