I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
