Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
only you would photoshop your dick
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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