he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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