So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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