Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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