Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
