my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
