It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
