If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
