What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
