I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
