just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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